One Day, Today

My whole life has been bathed in the idea of
"One Day"
A deep hope of future freedom, a day when I'll be able to say with a genuine heart, "I'm doing alright."
I've for so many years been looking ahead and waiting for my abandoned soul to be seen, for the curtains to be drawn back on these dusty rooms once called dreams.To be seen and to see that old things can be beautiful,and though sorrow demands to be felt, it will not dwell in permanence.
I have always had this deep affection for a Self that lives in the future; always envisioned her as joyful, perhaps even free.
It may be that this affection is all that pushed me through the worst times and most desperate days.
I knew only this, though self'hatred and pain of now covered it up: I knew, someday, one day in the future, I would learn what it means to be alive... to be free.
On the days I believed I couldn't ever live an abundant life, I still had this sneaking suspicion that maybe she, that future self, could.
And what I've come to realize in recent days, is that the day of freedom has finally arrived. Not with a triumph or explosion-I did not celebrate in a fanfare of victory...
Rather the Day came in a simple moment of peace as I stared up at the mountains that once seemed impossibly far and  I knew I could climb them.
It came in the laughter around a fire as I sat and played guitar with friends with whom I could go on adventures and talk about Beauty, and know I was understood.
It came when I looked my demons in the eye and knew they no longer had power over me,
So long have I fought for "one day" and I recognized recently that in my mundane and ordinary, I see and feel the extraordinary in a simplicity I once never would have dreamed of. And when a friend smiled and told me they were cheering for me, I dared to believe them.
And the thing about living is you don't really notice it all the time. As your breath runs in and out in a steady rhythm, love and peace become part of every moment.
I have those under my authority who admire me as both a leader and friend, and those above who believe in me and want to see my dreams come true.
I've still got healing, of course, and in a lifetime I don't think that will ever really go away.
Scars rooted deep enough never truly leave; they only fade with time, eventually ceasing to ache but still remaining as a memory of old wounds.
But I can gaze into the mirror and reflected now is beauty and beaming life. And for the first time I can smile softly at that war-torn face that has endured such sorrow and loss, and say, "You're doing alright, brave girl... You're doing just fine."
And with that I walk away, not to a life that seeks to prove me wrong, but to a world that opened up the minute I decided I valued beauty more than I needed perfection to be free.
I don't have to be flawless, I only need live with my heart wide open to the marvelous and captivating wild this world is filled to the brim with. And though an open heart leaves room for pain, I am able now to feel it as the shore feels the rushing waves- it passes over me and as it comes, it leaves behind new life and perspective. In the face of an entire ocean of beauty and mystery and adventure.... what is a wave in view of that?

Wandering Soul in a land of false comforts

Come all you who wander even still
Dissatisfied in the

false comforts 

that come

at whim and will,

Always a step, touch away, we

we have for too long amused... 

ourselves with meaningless trifles, never knowing how it stifles

the deeper

longing within to be free

Our chains have been

                                       pleasure and pain,

both sought in vain to ease the healthy                         yearning

within our very souls;

Our shallow hearts have

gone old and grey.

Yet we stay in the very poison that numbs

Our minds

and quiets our souls
Ah, but still you

are wandering,

Looking for what is so much more deeply satisfying,
your deepest soul

defying the numbing poison that

all this time                    

 would keep you denying

your love of

the most Beautiful One...

And you wander with an                

Aching soul,

knowing your heart was never meant to be      

poor,

Perhaps an impoverished

spirit

Is deeper than a reality we accept as truth-
Perhaps it is an embedded lie we've believed

from the days of our youth

But a voice

so familiar yet foreign

Cries out
to those who                                      

seek...

"Come,"
Not demanding

...a single thing,

but rather offering what can only be called

A life breathing joy

He's never offered anything less than

total satisfaction for our eternal desires,

A promise to be a blazing fire in this cold wilderness
to calm this empty chill that seems so dire.
What else could the answer have been than 

                        this infinite one, could it be He,

who breathes

  life within?

You're                      

the only answer, 

The only mystery

that makes sense-

Sacrificing yourself as

 my beautiful recompense,

Wholly flawless

and

perfectly holy...

                             

I find 

myself a patchwork of sin and lies,

covering myself in a                                 

Mismatched Disguise

to claim some sort of compromise 

simply that...

... even still.... I might not be laid to shame

But yet comes perfect beauty so near,

to not break my heart but turn it                    

pure and clear

and I am clothed in righteousness

at the simple knowledge of His name;

Where I deserved the shame I hid,

and the pain amidst my weary soul,

His recompense for me was to let me be rid of sorrow 

and cleansed

                               for a purer tomorrow

with Him.