One Day, Today

My whole life has been bathed in the idea of
"One Day"
A deep hope of future freedom, a day when I'll be able to say with a genuine heart, "I'm doing alright."
I've for so many years been looking ahead and waiting for my abandoned soul to be seen, for the curtains to be drawn back on these dusty rooms once called dreams.To be seen and to see that old things can be beautiful,and though sorrow demands to be felt, it will not dwell in permanence.
I have always had this deep affection for a Self that lives in the future; always envisioned her as joyful, perhaps even free.
It may be that this affection is all that pushed me through the worst times and most desperate days.
I knew only this, though self'hatred and pain of now covered it up: I knew, someday, one day in the future, I would learn what it means to be alive... to be free.
On the days I believed I couldn't ever live an abundant life, I still had this sneaking suspicion that maybe she, that future self, could.
And what I've come to realize in recent days, is that the day of freedom has finally arrived. Not with a triumph or explosion-I did not celebrate in a fanfare of victory...
Rather the Day came in a simple moment of peace as I stared up at the mountains that once seemed impossibly far and  I knew I could climb them.
It came in the laughter around a fire as I sat and played guitar with friends with whom I could go on adventures and talk about Beauty, and know I was understood.
It came when I looked my demons in the eye and knew they no longer had power over me,
So long have I fought for "one day" and I recognized recently that in my mundane and ordinary, I see and feel the extraordinary in a simplicity I once never would have dreamed of. And when a friend smiled and told me they were cheering for me, I dared to believe them.
And the thing about living is you don't really notice it all the time. As your breath runs in and out in a steady rhythm, love and peace become part of every moment.
I have those under my authority who admire me as both a leader and friend, and those above who believe in me and want to see my dreams come true.
I've still got healing, of course, and in a lifetime I don't think that will ever really go away.
Scars rooted deep enough never truly leave; they only fade with time, eventually ceasing to ache but still remaining as a memory of old wounds.
But I can gaze into the mirror and reflected now is beauty and beaming life. And for the first time I can smile softly at that war-torn face that has endured such sorrow and loss, and say, "You're doing alright, brave girl... You're doing just fine."
And with that I walk away, not to a life that seeks to prove me wrong, but to a world that opened up the minute I decided I valued beauty more than I needed perfection to be free.
I don't have to be flawless, I only need live with my heart wide open to the marvelous and captivating wild this world is filled to the brim with. And though an open heart leaves room for pain, I am able now to feel it as the shore feels the rushing waves- it passes over me and as it comes, it leaves behind new life and perspective. In the face of an entire ocean of beauty and mystery and adventure.... what is a wave in view of that?