Relapsing

I am here.

Some days, it is enough-
That I breathe new air and taste beaming sunshine and starlight
And all the colors of this beckoning summer

Some days smell of peace and taste like rest
refreshing and renewing
And I can sit alone and not be scared of the lonesome void of silence

These days, those moments seem few and far
between the longer hours of scraping by
As much as I try, this "getting better" thing eludes me.

It seems just yesterday the therapist smiled as she shrugged
and couldn't find a reason to schedule
a next appointment-

I had actually gotten better-

My freedom was the day when I couldn't remember
the last time I felt depressed-
When I looked at the mountains and dared to climb them-

Those days were all bubbling over in simple joy and laughter,
When I didn't put on boxing gloves
for another go in the ring with apathy
Because Apathy was KOed

Those days, being alone was a sort of solace
And I was in a place where "I'm fine"
wasn't just some rehearsed line but
actual truth.


When you have no reason to live
and the depression seems unbearable,
people tell you it gets better-
they don't tell you the happily
isn't always the ever after

I was caught totally unawares
when the enemy I thought I had knocked down
attacked me while my back was turned and-

the bad dream was real and-

I got bad again-

for no other reason than no reason at all.
I miscarried the Life that I had believed myself
Incapable of conceiving
and in the midst of astonished joy
at the life I finally carried within, it just-
died.

Because depression isn't simple and
sixteen years of hurt might take another
sixteen to heal-

These days, I'm afraid to try again-
The fear lingers that I'll kill any Life that births in my Spirit,
Fear that my soul isn't viable for producing Life
like the kind they told me would come when it
got better.

These days, I'm tired.
Too tired to strap on the boxing gloves
or even go near the ring.
But slowly-
I'm training
not engaging in a fight with a foe I know will win-
but one day, I will win.
And I'll keep trying to conceive the Life I've received a little
because True Life will always be worth the risk-

Better to Live and die and fight again than to never live at all.

Because I know these walls I've built from hurt
will only deteriorate in time-
and there are people in this world brave enough
and stubborn enough
to find my cracks and slip through and force my weary soul
to keep training,
keep trying-
People who know true Life and will not rest until I know it too

These days, I say "I'm okay"
Because despite the weight of today,
I'm convinced
Life is worth fighting for,
to my last breath, if I have to.

I am here.

And when here looks more like fear and less like starlight,
I fight the lies and choose-

Life, no matter the cost.